The quest to find my inner spark

When faced with decisions in life, no matter how big or how small, it’s sometimes hard to keep perspective on what I really think.  Sometimes there is so much noise, so many incoming messages and thoughts running through my mind that impact my decisions that at the end of the day, I’m not sure whether it was really me that made the decision or the influence of those around me.

Sometimes I think too long and too hard, I analyze too much before putting things into motion.  Sometimes I’m paralyzed by the unknown and I leave myself stuck in the same spot, afraid to move forward, afraid to change lanes, constantly looking in the review mirror at where I’ve been to try to figure out how I got to where I am now.  I can remain in that paralyzed mode for hours, days, weeks, even years before doing something.

It’s that stuck spot that I don’t like.  It’s like I have a strap tethered to each shoulder, around my hips, around my ankles preventing me from moving forward no matter how hard I pull.  I’m honestly not sure though whether this is just fear of the unknown or if it’s a lack of trusting in myself, trusting my judgement, trusting that I’ll make the “right” decision.  The thing is, I wasn’t always this way, I wasn’t always this way.  I used to make a decision and go for it, I would figure out the details on the fly.  I didn’t stop long enough to analyze it to death, and you know what?  It always worked out.  When I look back on where I’ve been, I can’t think of any decisions I’ve made that have truly been bad decisions.  Each choice, each movement I made brought me to the next, which eventually brought me to where I am today.

Lately I’ve been trying to figure out when it all started.  When did I stop trusting in myself?  When did I start doubting my capabilities?  Where did these messages come from and why the hell do I believe them?  (Here I go thinking again, right?)  What I’m trying to figure out is where this “stuff” came from so I can fix it and get myself back in motion.

It sounds so cliché, but right now I’m on the quest to find me.  The true me.  The girl whose dreams kept her moving forward, the girl who trusted in herself and did things because it felt right or she thought it was the right thing to do.  I’m trying to find the inner spark, re-light that flame, re-energize the spirit, the fire within me that gives me the drive, the confidence and the strength to chase my dreams without fear.

I tell my son quite frequently that it’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to fall down, it’s what you do afterward that matters. You need to pick yourself up, look at what happened and figure out a way to do it differently, then try again.  It’s time for me to listen to my own advice.  To teach by example.

Do people change?  Sure.  But I think deep down inside regardless of the changes that have taken place over time, we’re all that young person with an invincible spirit.  And I’ll tell you what, she’s still in there.  I can feel her.  And she’s trying damned hard to get out, to break the shell that’s been holding her back.  Friends have seen her, family has seen her.   Every once in a while I see her. And when I do its amazing.  It’s like meeting an old friend you haven’t seen in years.  It’s like looking in a mirror that can’t see age. But she’s not out yet, not all the way.  She’s not quite ready.  She’s telling me I’m not ready.  She said I still have some work to do.  And I do.  I know I do. But I also know that when the time is right, she’ll emerge.  And I can’t wait to hug her, hold her hand, talk to her, get to know her again.  And as I do, take off on new adventures and go wherever our path may lead us.


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